Starving

I make it through my life by the grace of God. I have not had regular employment since my husband and "boss" died in September 2013. In the first few months after his death I made some very bad choices in my attempt to escape the pain of a life without him. I lost about 35 lbs. really quickly because when I felt uncomfortable, instead of eating, I made an appointment for a massage. I can tell you that massage can be an expensive "diet."

Here I am an overweight, unemployed, 52 year old woman seeking to "be" ok.  My husband used to ask me why I could not just be. He did not like my proclivity to question everything. Ironically, in trying to just "be", I am questioning everything "me". Some things are unchangeable, like my age and the family to whom I was born and all the life experiences through which I have lived, but certainly I do not have to repeat unhealthy behaviors. I would really like to understand why I do certain things over and over when the outcome is painful.

When I used to watch the Biggest Loser on TV they played up the contestants breakthrough moments. One of the moments of epiphany for me, came when reading about addiction. This person related her addiction as trying to fill a hole in herself, that she eventually found that only God's love could fill. I posted of my breakthrough on Facebook, March 22, 2015.

Preparing for Passover thoughts : Food can not give love or forgiveness, but time after time I have taken refuge in the sublime creations of gifted chefs or wallowed in the depths of my pain by eating a whole bag of Oreos, when what I needed was love and redemption.

I want to have healthy relationships. I would like to be a true friend to my children and grandchildren. I write this blog and allow friends and strangers to join my journey to health, because one never knows how a life can be changed. I do feel strongly that as human "be"ings we share lots of common pitfalls, perhaps we can avoid some of them together.

This past week I lost 2.4 pounds. I am satisfied that it is the right direction.

Love can be a poor person's sustenance and food a dangerous substitute. I am praying that I can accept that starving is a valid way to live at this time.  Until Later~ Rita Darlene